The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

by Kyle Smith

My wife sent me a list of one liners, here’s a highlight reel (kinda lengthy but worth it):

  • Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
  • If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
  • Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.
  • We have enough youth: how about a fountain of “smart”?
  • Everybody repeat after me: “We are all individuals.”
  • If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense?
  • If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  • Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.
  • There are two rules for success: 1.) Don’t tell all you know.
  • If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?
  • I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
  • Follow your dreams, except for that one where you’re naked at work.
  • All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy.
  • Wear a watch and you’ll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you’ll never be sure.
  • Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot?
  • Birthdays are good for you – the more you have the longer you live.
  • Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
  • In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
  • If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly?
  • I’m busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.
  • The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  • If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years.
  • I’d kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Well I hope you enjoyed them as much as I did. I’ll post more soon… (yea that right there’s more. can you believe it?)

3 Comments to “The trouble with life is there’s no background music.”

  1. some of those are truly speech-worhty. i will steal as many as my mind can hold…

  2. some of those are truly speech-worhty. i will steal as many as my mind can hold…

  3. I updated so you can shut it.

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